I'm sorry to bring things down on this cold and wet Friday, but then again, TITL is about reality and sometimes reality is crap.
Last night I was very sad and emotional. Who knew that watching Top Billing could upset someone as much as it did me, but I think I've worked out the reason for this - they're always showing weddings where the couple are madly in love and tell the audience how they'll be together forever.
I genuinely hope that they will be, but I think it just got to me last night, because it made me think back to my wedding day when I was convinced I was getting married to this man for the rest of my life. I was so in love and thought we were such a great match.
You know, there's something that I still question and I'm not saying this has anything to do with my current situation, but I must say I found it odd... When I came walking down the isle, he never looked back to see me. He was facing the front all the time until I was standing next to him. What does this mean or am I just being silly? Perhaps he was just nervous or something, but I really do find it odd.
In her recent email to me the Ex Wife said that she felt very guilty at the time for splitting up their family and did for quite some time afterwards. The strange thing is that I really don't feel any guilt at all. I know in my heart of hearts how hard I tried to make this work. I know that I thought this through extensively and that I'm doing the right thing, not only for myself, but also for my children.
What I do feel, however, is immense anger and resentment. I'm angry because he let this happen. I'm resentful that I've been put in this situation in the first place and now I, in turn, have to suffer with the consequences of divorce and raising 2 children on my own.
What is making me most angry of all is his inability to accept that I no longer love him and actually want this all to end. By him denying this, he's not only making his own life miserable, but also mine and indirectly the kids' too. By dragging this whole saga on as he is doing, he's doing more harm than good, because my anger is growing and festering like a sore.
I simply can't be nice to him anymore, because as soon as I drop my guard, he does something to upset or hurt me again, so now I can only resort to being hard and cold. This in turn is eating me alive as it's just not in my nature to be like this.
So, what do I do? I honestly don't know. I really can't get rid of this anger until I know for sure he's at least accepted what's happening and we're moving things along with regards to the divorce. I suppose I'm just going to have to stick it out and hope he reaches the crucial point of acceptance very soon, because I don't see things getting any better until then.
OK, I'll try to lighten things up now. I won't be posting over the weekend as I'm off to stay with The Fiery One who's husband has gone hunting this weekend. She's organized a dinner for a bunch of ladies at The Farm for Saturday and the theme is 'Pyjamas and Pearls'. I'm really looking forward to the break away from the atmosphere at Wisteria Lane and to just chilling and relaxing.
Other than that I hope you all have a great weekend and for those of you going to the Whacky Wine Weekend in Robertson, have a great time and don't forget to take your brollies!
Madge x
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Your situation reminds me so much of mine a couple of years back. My EH refused to accept the fact that I was not going to back down and my hatred grew. The fact is it was not a hatred for EH but a hatred for the fact that things were not moving quickly enough. EH was scared to move forward and once I realised that we sat and talked about how we could move things forward. We took things one step at a time. I wanted it all at once divorce and him out of my life once and for all. I look back now and realise that was unfair and once I realised this and we made a plan of action together things moved ahead. A little slowly at first but once he was comfortable we were able to deal with the process quickly. It made home life much more bearable and it was far less painful for the children. I never wanted my children to hate EH but my anger in the beginning could have been harmful had I not searched for a better solution.
ReplyDeleteI used to think he was deliberately avoiding the issues but the truth is it was harder for him than it was me.
Don't look for answers in the past, eg the reason he did not look back at you when you walked down the aisle was simply that he was obeying tradition. In the past it was bad luck to turn to see the bride before she reached the grooms side that is why veils were worn.
One thing that got the ball rolling for us was to visit real estate people together and start selling the house. Sitting down and talking about selling/splitting what we had. We saw a counsellor for a while to help us draw up a plan about what we could achieve each week to move things forward.
Good Luck I hope you will both work things out.
Thanks so much for your comment Erika. I definitely agree with many of your points. Our house is fortunately already on the market, so that's one step done.
ReplyDeleteI've had discussions with him with regards to splitting things up and am now trying to get him to agree the rest of it on paper because he'll say one thing now and then something totally different the next.
By doing this before having the summons ordered, i thought I was giving him time and being nice about it. It's been two months since I first started discussing our options, yet he looks like he's merely playing for time because he reckons he'll win me back. The irony is that his actions speak otherwise.
I'm now simply going to go ahead and have the summons sent and now he'll have the 10 days in which to decide.
Thanks though for reading and commenting. I've definitely picked up a couple of good points.
Madge