A letter

Dear husband,

We've been together for seven years and there have been many good times. I remember meeting you that Sunday afternoon in Covent Garden. You made me blush within minutes of meeting me and we chatted all afternoon. I had a lovely sms from you the next morning and soon after we started dating.

I remember the time I flew back from New York and, although it was late already, I drove straight to your place. You opened a bottle of champagne and we stood on the terrace. Soon after, I moved in with you. Gave all of my furniture to your sister and it was the beginning of the rest of our lives together.

You had a major trust issue given what had happened in your past and I made it my mission to prove to you that you could indeed trust me. I refused to marry you until you were sure that you trusted me 110%.

Two years later we were married in the most beautiful ceremony on a stunning wine farm in Stellenbosch. Family and friends from the UK joined us on this occasion and it was one of the happiest days of my life.

I married a man who made me laugh and made me feel whole and appreciated, who my family and other people liked and a man who had pride. No one ever noticed the vast age difference between us, least of all did we.

Five months later I found out that I was pregnant. I think you were shocked at first, but came round soon enough. You started smoking, but promised to stop once the baby was born. That baby is now four years old - you're still smoking after several such promises...

Times were always tough financially due to you working freelance. My salary would merely cover the basics and on a few occasions I even paid the maintenance due to your ex wife to keep the wolves at bay and took out loans in my name as your credit rating was shot. I never held any of this against you. I did it with love and never gave you a hard time about this and whenever you became depressed I always supported you rather than argue. I supported you 100%! I worked until the day our son was born and started working 4 weeks after his birth - I had to.

I've also had my time of being depressed, I suffered with post-natal depression when our son was born and was in a very bad place. You supported me through this and I was grateful for it.

Then we decided to move to South Africa, to have a better life. If we sold our property in London, we'd be able to afford a large place in a secure environment where we could raise our children in the sun. We wouldn't need as much money to survive and would have a much better quality of life.

Shortly before moving, I fell pregnant again with our little girl. I came over first as you had a great contract and it was better for you to stay behind to finalise matters at the UK end, while I house hunted here and set things up for our new life together.

I went out of my way to set up a good home for you and the kids, to make sure that everything was perfect. I didn't have any friends here, but made an effort to meet people and when I found that I connected with someone, I endeavored to contact them and build friendships.

You tried hard to get work here, but it has been very difficult - it still is. You had to go back to London for months at a time to earn money to take care of us as I was pregnant and couldn't get a job at the time. It was hard for you and for us to not have you around, but you did what you could. You became inward looking and selfish and you no longer made me laugh. It wasn't about 'us' anymore, but you.

I know you loved me, but as time went by the affection faded and became almost non-existent. On several occasions I asked you for some love and romance. Whenever I asked you for a cuddle, you'd merely lift your arm and I'd have to sidle closer upon which you's simply drape your arm down on my shoulder. This was your idea of a cuddle. I'd ask for some romance - it doesn't cost a thing, but it never came my way.

You never arranged anything. Slowly, as time went by it was all down to me to organise the household, take care of the kids, pay the bills, go to work full time and ensure we have a social life. I even ended up trying to make friends for you as you had still not made any of your own friends, but you weren't interested.

I tried to tell you that I was unhappy, that I wanted you to make an effort - many times. You heard me, but you never listened. You would make an effort for a week or two and then soon slipped back into your complacent way, accepting that I would just carry on.

Even your lovemaking was selfish. When I suggested that you gave me a massage to 'get me in the mood' you were all positive and excited that it was such a simple thing to do, yet the massages never happened. All through this I never turned you down even when there was nothing in it for me and on several occasions I would have tears running down my cheeks while you were having your way. You never even noticed.

So complacent were you that when I gave you the option to see a marriage counsellor or get a divorce your reply was: "I'm not seeing a marriage counsellor, it's not worth it". Could you still not see how fed-up I was?? Is this what my marriage had come to? I realised then that I deserved more.

I was a loyal wife who adored you. I would've gone to the end of the earth for you, but apparently I was not worth trying for. My love for you began to wane and when you came up with the suggestion of a Female Led Relationship after Googling the web, I was flummoxed. This was your idea of saving our marriage? I want a man to be my partner and equal. I was already in charge of EVERYTHING. Could you not see that this was exactly what I DIDN'T want? Again, it was about what you wanted.

So, you went to work in London again and I had the necessary head space to realise that our marriage was over and that I would indeed be better off on my own. The kids were happier because daddy wasn't hanging around shouting and being grumpy and I was much more relaxed and happier too. My mind was made up.

It has been a painful process for me. I've been angry and sad, but I've made my peace with the situation. Now I simply want to move on. I don't want to be nasty to you, you don't deserve it and neither do I. I just want you to realise and accept that the fairy tale has come to an end. I don't know whether I'll love someone like I loved you again. I must admit, I'll go into any relationship being very guarded about my emotions. In fact, I can't really imagine having a relationship at this point or in the near future. Right now my concern is about taking care of the kids and ensuring that they are happy and have a smooth transition.

My wish for you is that you will learn from this experience. This is not the first time you've gone through a divorce and your previous marriage ended for similar reasons. You're a good man and you have a lot to give, I know you do. You never smacked me about, you aren't a big drinker and don't filander about, but you have to make these changes for yourself, so you can end up being a happier person in yourself.

I will always love you for who you are.

M