Why only now?

Well, I'm feeling a lot better already, but have taken the executive decision of staying home today just to be sure that I'm strong enough again to deal with a normal work day at Gambling HQ tomorrow rather than push myself to go in and collapse in a heap half way through the day. This is a major decision for me as I've said before, I have this belief in the back of my head that I used to be Wonder Woman in a previous life.

Anyway, I know I've mentioned about STBEH being my personal nurse running himself into a state to tend to my every need... So, yesterday, he pops out to Pick 'n Pay to pick up a few essentials only to return with a couple of magazines and a gift bag full of skin care products from body scrub to hand lotion and cleanser to moisturizer.

Now, why does he do this now, when it actually means NOTHING to me? Yes, it's a sweet gesture, but it in fact grates me so much that he suddenly manages to do something thoughtful for me after all this time when I really don't care and certainly don't want it. He's been so lucky - I'm not one who demands big or expensive gifts, or any gifts at all, but there are other inexpensive and more rewarding ways of showing someone you love them and he couldn't even manage these even though I kept reminding him of ways to do so.

I can't tell you how it all upset me yesterday. I was just sitting there in bed crying my eyes out at the fact that it was all in vain, wishing that I could somehow care and feel something, but the emotions just wouldn't come over me. Instead I felt anger and resentment.

The thing is it just doesn't come naturally to him and though he's doing all of this now I know that if I were to change my mind and give him one last chance, which I won't, don't worry, it would all fade away into obscurity within a short period of time.

All I can hope for, for his sake, is that he takes what he's learnt from this experience with me and use it to impress and keep someone new happy.

Anyway, I think I'm going to broach the important discussion with him this morning, though I'm not entirely convinced I have the energy for it. Thing is he's picked up a new contract, so is flying up to Jo'burg tomorrow, albeit just for the day, so that's another day gone and it's eating me alive. I just want to get to a point where we've agreed the important matters and I can go to my lawyer to set out an agreement.

Let's see how it goes today, but I'll be sure to let you all know how things progress.

Cherio x